thoughts about breaking the internet

First of all, Julia wrote a beautiful post which expresses her frustrations about online conflicts between self-advocates and non-disabled parents. Yes, it is angry, and its anger is perfect and honest because so many of us have been hurt and we are angry right now. Please, please read it.

Now I’m going to talk about breaking the internet, and why I’m scared that for me, the internet will never get un-broken.

I didn’t want to start a big fight where everyone blew up at each other. I certainly didn’t want to come across as a parent-hating separatist, which, to some people, I did. What I did want to do was point out that when non-disabled people talk about ableism, it’s not okay to only talk about the impact that it has on them (and other non-disabled parents and siblings).

I was surprised at how many people disagreed with that idea. I'm not surprised anymore, but I am so, so sad. And I'm tired. And yes, I am angry too.

A lot of people are telling me I should write more carefully so as not to upset parents, but often these are the same people who are saying very hurtful things about me and my fellow self-advocates. People are telling me that I have to “look at things from the parents’ point of view,” but sometimes they seem unwilling to consider mine.

I found a gem of a blog post about this issue which included the remark, “Sadly, these ‘self advocates’ are only able to see their own struggles from their own perspective.” So I am being chastised for failing to view my own experiences from someone else’s perspective, by people who are defending their right to view make their own (non-disabled) perspective the focus of conversations on disability. Does anyone else see this as unreasonable?

I feel that for autistic people speaking out, it is only safe to tell our personal stories, that they might serve as an “inspiration” to others. If we engage with issues of policy or politics, we are told that we are speaking of things we know nothing about. We are telling parents and professionals how to do their jobs, and how dare we assume that we know better than they do?

It also seems to me that there is a very limited range of emotional expression that is acceptable. If we are angry – and I’m not talking about name-calling and swearing, just emotion – we are told that our anger makes our arguments invalid. If we are blunt and forceful, we are told that we will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I see people commenting about this whole mess and saying “how can you expect us to listen when you are so angry and so impolite?”

It’s true that I expect people who are interested in issues of autism and disability to listen to me. Not because I’m polite or because I will make them feel good, but because when they talk about autism, they’re talking about me, and they talk about me all the time. If you’re going to spend a lot of time talking about disability, you should listen to what disabled people have to say, otherwise – and I’m going to be blunt here – how will you know what you’re talking about?

I don’t know how we (the community of people who blog about disability from various perspectives) can resolve this conflict in an equitable way. What I do know is that I truly, desperately want to engage in productive discussions with parents about issues that matter to all of us. But I’m not willing to soften my opinions in order to do it. I don’t want to be cruel, but I will be blunt and I will be straightforward. I will not stop reminding non-disabled people of their privilege. I will hang on as tightly as I can to all the dignity I am allowed.

You can’t make a fist with your hand held out. You can’t beg for dignity. It doesn’t work like that.

Non-disabled parents, I don’t hate you, I promise. I really do want to have this talk with you. But you have to meet me halfway.